I have accomplished a lot these past few months and I have achieved more then most men ever dream of.  I am proud of what I have done.  But like all great things, it is time to move on.

You can see from the different photos below that my beard was indeed a fine example of what a beard can be.  A man should not be limited to a clean-shaven face – raw skin is for hands, or elbows – or maybe why some men go bald.  But the face – the face is a place of growth and male expression.

Figure 3 is the “horned” look.  Notice how the beard neatly parts down the middle, allowing room for the skin underneath to breath.

In figure 4 we find the “wild” beard.  Not a traditional look, and clearly only a style appropriate for a humid (or possibly very electric) day.

My decision to trim my beard down to size was one I did not take lightly.  Ultimately it was rooted in practicality – in my unending love for my beard I couldn’t keep my hands off of it.

I would pull and tug, contorting my face into new and strange shapes.  True, I still looked good even with the extra strain, but my face was starting to hurt and I was causing concern amongst the people around me – so I opted for change.

The transformation was painless, although it did leave emotional scars.  Now all that is left is a pile of fluff.

But alas, I can always grow it again.

True, Obama can only take his Spartacus fetish so far – he cannot give a major political address in his underwear and holding a sword.  But he can stand in front of Greek columns.

(Yes, I know, the real Spartacus was in Roman times – so what?  In the subliminal world these subtleties are unimportant.)

I am sorry but I don’t think it worked.  First of all, Obama didn’t have the arm guard – in my opinion the most important part of the outfit.

Secondly, try as he might, Obama is no Kirk Douglas.  Proof?  Kirk had legendary filmmaker Stanley Kubrick to design his set – Obama had to settle for someone who works for Brittney Spears.

I searched the web and it turns out I am not the only one thinking about presidential beards.  Check out this photo-shopped rendering of a bearded McCain:

I don’t know if it is an accurate representation of what McCain would actually look like with a beard, but you have to admit – he does look good.  If McCain with a beard even vaguely resembles this picture, then he needs to grow one – and fast – I think it would do wonders for him in the polls.

Here is a legitimate photo of a bearded Al Gore:

No one really cares about Gore any more, but I bet if he had his beard in 2000 he would be president today.

I couldn’t find much about Obama and beards, and it makes me wonder – can Obama even grow one?  I have never seen a photo of a bearded Obama.

Have you?

If word got out that Obama couldn’t grow a beard, it would ruin his candidacy – maybe this is why he is always so careful to be perfectly clean-shaven every time he appears in public.

What are you trying to hide Obama?

I mentioned in an earlier post that Obama does look great in a kipa, and I stand by that – he has style.  But if he can’t grow a beard then what good does all that style do him?  Not much.

Here is a picture of Obama with a cigarette:

Very cool.  Perhaps smoking is a way to offset his beard problem.

I don’t smoke, but I have a beard.  Maybe if I started smoking I could run for president.

I couldn’t find a cigarette, so here is a photo of me (with beard) and a pen:

Do I look presidential?

People don’t often talk about beards – particularly in relation to style – and it is therefore my hope that I can do my part to shed light and offer guidance.

Consider figure one:

Notice how the beard and hat naturally complement each other – the hat adding height and the beard, length.  The hat and beard combination is a standard look found in most communities around the Jewish world.  As in contrast to figure two:

Figure two is a striking look indeed!  Typical amongst Jewish desert dwellers, the beard adds a rugged, harder edge.

In figure three we find a look more common amongst Jewish educators in the Diaspora.  The beard and sunglasses create a natural balance that enables the educator to “blend in” with the general population.

Finally in figure four we find a more personal, contemplative look.  The beard is neatly tucked away to allow for meditation and quiet introspection.

Far from being a nuisance, the beard enables the Jewish man to take on myriad looks, conform to new trends and fashion, and to express his uniqueness and individuality.

My guess is Aerosmith (obviously wrong), so I googled it.  Ready?

“Black Betty” is a reworking of a Leadbelly recording by one-hit-wonder Ram Jam (remember them?  I don’t either) and reached #18 in 1977.  It was attacked by the NAACP (I don’t know why) and made it into the top ten in Europe and Australia.

This is a link to the video (amazing right?) don’t you wish it could be 1977 again?  Pay particular attention to the lip-syncing, it will change your life.

For many reasons, the worst thing we Jews need is a Jewish president (or Jewish VP for that matter).  His hands would be tied as he did contortions to prove he is not “favoring Israel” or “Jewish interests.”   I say, give us a good old bible-thumping Christian.  They make the best Zionists and will take care of our interests.

But then I took a look at the guy they are talking about – Eric Cantor – and in spite of my philo-Semitic misgivings, he looks great.  He is an anti-tax, small government, pro-business conservative, strong on all the social issues, and this is the best part – one of Israel’s most avid congressional supporters.

My conclusion is like this:  If the McCain camp is thinking, “We need a Jew so we can win over the Jewish vote.”  Bad idea.  Most Jewish voters are idiots and are loyal to Obama and his message.  But if they are just looking for a great guy who will balance the ticket – then Cantor is the man.

Think of it, we could easily end up with a Jew in the White House and wow; he would be from the last place anyone would have ever guessed.

Mice were in the walls, behind the stove, under the fridge, in the garage, by the couch – anywhere you would expect mice to be – they were there.

We tried professionals – they were useless.  The “professionals” blocked up holes and within a day the mice made new ones.

We tried poison – the mice ate the poison and became immune.

We tried traps (glue, old fashioned snap-the-head-off traps, plastic hut traps) – the mice avoided them.

I watched the mice, found their points of entry and then set traps in those spots (anticipating a massacre) – the mice emerged unscathed.  We even found traps unsnapped with the bait gone.

Enter Fluffy.

Fluffy lives for the hunt.  Her instinct is to attack and kill.  She dreams about blood and mouse flesh in her teeth.

The mice are aware of this new predator in their midst and they run in fear.  Yes, you can still hear the occasional scurrying in the walls, but gone are the brave forays into the kitchen or out into the open space of the living room (and I suspect even the scurrying will soon come to an end).

Fluffy is still in training.  She hones her skills attacking plastic bags, shoelaces, and children.  But her killer instincts are apparent to all and I almost pity the first mouse to cross her path.

I am no newcomer to the world of beards – I quit shaving in late 1993 and I have never looked back – and now I am experimenting with a long beard.  (This is a second attempt, the last time I grew it long was about 13 years ago.)

A few myths to dispel about beards:

• They are not hot
• They do not itch (more about itching below)
• If you clean them, nothing grows in them

Itchy beards:
Yes, when you first grow your beard it itches.  It itches for about five weeks and then during the sixth week it feels like you have something on your face.  But then it is over and it just feels like “face” (most men wimp out in the first five weeks – hence the myth).  If you can make it through the itch – for the rest of your life you can enjoy the itch-free benefits of being bearded.  No more shaving, no more irritated skin, no more wasted time, no more bleeding – just a wonderful beard.

It looks great right?  I cannot guarantee that my long beard will last the summer, but for now I am enjoying it and my family and friends are amazed by its mass.

More beard news:

• According to this site – beards are the way you can identify the Jews in Egyptian hieroglyphics
• Beards.org is a site dedicated to growing beards – see link below

I am surprised that Obama’s handlers didn’t make the effort to learn about the Wall’s daily prayer services.  At 5 AM the pious Jews of Jerusalem are at the Wall to pray with the rising sun (about 1,000 people are there on any given morning – all year long).  Before staging a massive media event at an important holy site – I think it is important to learn what goes on there so as not to disturb the regulars.  (Though to be fair, it doesn’t look like anyone cares.)

A few points from the video:

• I think Obama looks great in a kipa – maybe he is really Jewish.  Has anyone explored this possibility?
• Obama didn’t kiss the Wall.  I think he is afraid.  I often find that non-Jews are afraid to get too close (Jews push their bodies right up to it, kiss it, hold on to it.)
• Although Obama looks great in a kipa, his security team looks ridiculous.  If Obama really wants to be president, he needs to teach his team about Jewish fashion.
• Why is Obama wearing a black bracelet and how did he avoid the red string people?  Maybe Madonna and her Kaballah friends can send him one – I would hate for Obama to feel he missed out on an essential cultural experience.

I am surprised that Obama was up so early.  You may say, “jetlag.”  But I say, “forget jetlag, if he had eaten a shwarma then clearly he would be sleeping.”  Once again – more proof Obama is a flawed (albeit stylish) candidate.

In Chicago, people like Robert Perry are subjected to exhaustive security checks. He was patted down, his wheel chair was examined and his hands were swabbed, all in public view in a see-through room at the security checkpoint. Perry, 71, is not alone

“It’s humiliation,” Perry said.

Perry was also taken to a see-through room by a TSA agent when his artificial knee set off the metal detector.

“He yelled at me to get the belt off. ‘I told you to get the belt off.’ So I took the belt off. He ran his hands down over and pulled the pants down, they went down around my ankle,” Perry said.

At that point, Perry was standing in his underwear in public view. He asked to see a supervisor. That made things worse.

“She was yelling ‘I have power, I have power, I have power,” Perry said. The power to stop him from flying to Florida with his wife that day to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

I fly a lot and I think the TSA has taken this security thing a little too far (compounded by the fact that they are idiots).

100% of all airline terrorism is perpetrated by one group of people – Muslim men between the ages of 16 and 45 (100% – no other group has ever hijacked a plane).

Like hello you brainless ninnies – identify the bad guys and go after them.  Old men in wheelchairs, hipsters with body piercings, children – and any other demographic you can think of – do not hijack planes.  It is has never happened – ever.

Stop being politically correct and actually do your job and protect us.  Don’t torture obviously innocent people.  Don’t waste our time.  Let us bring liquids on airplanes – and leave us alone!